Four years ago I made the call that saved my life. Physical suicide almost seemed like a positive alternative to the suicide I was committing with my relationships, finances, family and job. I believe the best way to describe it as similar to the path of destruction left by an F-5 tornado. The strongest of tornadoes, it is described as a force that lifts strong frame houses from the foundation and carries them for considerable distances before they disintegrate; automobiles become missiles; trees are “debarked” and steel structures are damaged. Yep, that about describes my life three years ago, an F-5 tornado, a direct hit. The storm built for many years, carried me for several more, all the time uprooting my identity until I disintegrated. I was like Dorothy, but there was no OZ at the end of my road. And like Dorothy, I had to find my way home. However my home, the place that sheltered me from the storms, was the storm. The person I had become was in such contrast to my essence. I was self-destructing and my life was what fueled the storm.
So I sought help. With menopause at my heels, a pending divorce, and my best friend dying from cancer, doing this alone was not an option. I was a woman entering midlife with hormones exploding like the Macy’s 4th of July fireworks. I needed a doctor. I knew I was at a crossroad in my life and the only way to survive was to walk across the busy intersection. I did. And a funny thing happened; the traffic stopped and gave me the time to get to the other side of the street. Sometimes I travelled with the traffic and sometimes against it. However, that is the trek we all take on our lifelong journey. Some of us wait for the traffic to stop, some stop the traffic. I say, getting to the other side requires us to actively cross the street, sometimes letting someone else direct the traffic for a bit and sometimes directing it ourselves. More importantly, it requires us to understand that our lives are like driving. Sometimes there are traffic jams, others times it flows with ease. Sometimes it is under construction, other times it is smooth and easy.
This journal and memoir is about acknowledging the traffic in our lives that pause for us and those that do not. It is about reclaiming unclaimed gratitude and bowing to the presence of those who give us the chance to experience it. It is how to gently expose the raw depths of our emotions and share them with others so our lives are richer and fuller. And when this happens, relationships flourish and grow; we are balanced and peaceful.
This journal is about sharing that gratitude with those around us who gave us the chance to have the experience. This journal is about the positive experience of personally expressing gratitude to those in our life.
Get out your note cards and begin to write!